Love It!!

Why does everything have to be a big deal, just go with the flow, make a rough plan of what you might wanna do and just do it! There’s no need to get 15 bazillion other people to come with you, and to plan a month in advance! Just live your life, live it without worry and treasure the moment you are in, don’t try to look forward to something good a month down the road and ruin all the valuable and beautiful time in between…

I hate people who talk about the same thing, over and over and over and over etc…

(Insert really long Tumblr rant about people I don’t like, because i’m too lazy)

I have, the most amazing girlfriend in the world. She’s beautiful smart, succeeds at anything she puts her mind to.

She rides horses. She has a horse, she loves her to death. But she hasn’t seen her. I feel as though I should bring it up, because I want her to see her horse. But I don’t want to lay a guilt trip of sorts.

We were talking tonight, and she said that her dad looked at her and said “Is Mitchell really what you want to devote all your time to…” which I understand in the utomst way. I am not her life, and she says she feels like she’s “Loosing her identity…” How am I supposed to respond to that? I try to let her be herself and she is so much, and she loves to be with me, and we enjoy eachothers company. But she’s loosing her identity, she’s lossing who she is because of me, because how much time I take up.

I don’t want that, not because I feel as though she needs to give all her time to me, because I think she needs to give all her time to her, and her horse is her… It’s her soul, she loves it more than she’ll ever love me.

She says not to take it offensively. And I don’t, but I care for her so much, how am I supposed to care for her, if me being with her is impeding her ability to be who she is?

I love her, I would spend the rest of my life with her, and this motivates me, it motivates me to try and be supportive, and be a hard ass, get her to the barn, instead of seeing me. Because her being happy is more important to me than my happiness. It hurts, it hurts me to think she’s sacrificed that much for me. That she’s given so much of herself up to be with me. I don’t want that, I fell in love with a girl who loved horses and who was smart, and witty, and beautiful beyond belief. Thats what I love today, but she’s loosing her identity?

How do I say forget about me? (Not breaking up with her) but, forget that i’m here, remember who you are. She means the world to me, and I miss her everyday (five days a week). I see her weekends. Living so far away it’s the only time I can see her. And that time goes to me, not to her. She enjoys my company it’s not like I force her to see me. But she can’t see her horse during the week, because of school… So the weekend would be perfect… Except for Mitchell… “Mitchell’s coming over”, “i’m going to Mitchell’s house.” Thats what her weekend is…. It’s me, and I don’t want it to be, I want it to be her, I want it to be what she wants it to be.

If she “losses” her identity who is she, but another face in the crowd? I can’t be responsible for that, I can’t hold that on my shoulders. Maybe i’m selfish, maybe i’m crazy. But she is more important than me, she’s more important to her friends (hell even some of mine) and her family, and her horse, and herself. How do I tell her that? How do I say “I love you, but there is so much more for you to do with your life than just me” I love her to pieces. But I can’t be responsible for her not being happy. My job as  boyfriend is to keep her safe, to make sure she always has a smile on her face, that is what I am supposed to do! And damn-it i’ve done a good job thus far!

I can’t afford to give up now, when it matters most.

This is me doing a cover of Dave Matthews Gravedigger. Video shot and compiled by Blake Garcia/Human+Photography

To one of my best friends!